Custody Hearing - Take Two

Our custody re-mediation is scheduled from 8:00 to 10:00 am Pacific time. I will post an update once I return home.

Rules of Engagement

DH has been such a good sport through all this mess. He has tried so hard to make our parting of ways amicable.

And I...I have been nothing but a troublemaker and an instigator.

Despite my poor behavior, DH is, it turns out, determined to be the peacemaker. He wants so badly for us to get along civilly. He's just a good guy, trying his best to get along.

He invited me over on Labor Day to get the remainder of my personal belongings. Or as he phrased it, so he "didn't have to spend the money on gas to drive to see DD."

As I was packing up my things in the bedroom, I noticed out of the corner of my eye something that required closer examination.

It was a note on my dresser. It was for me. A note to me!

DH had gone and written me a list of rules for how to behave in our divorce.

I flushed with embarrassment at the thought that I had been so wayward in my behavior as to require rules.

I quickly photographed them so that I might memorize them at my leisure. I have also written them on my bathroom mirror in lipstick.


RULES OF ENGAGEMENT

1. No name calling. (I can only assume DH has taken offense to the title of my blog.)

2. Don't keep trying to get me to UNDERSTAND or ACKNOWLEDGE you. (Fine, then I will ignore you too and whistle the tune to the Dukes of Hazard every time you open your mouth to speak.)

3. Do not do or say things out of SPITE, like make phone calls. Because whether or not you think I am right or WRONG or your family or friends or a therapist agree you, I DON'T and these things will make me unhappy and bitter. (Okay, everyone must IMMEDIATELY stop thinking poorly of DH. We simply wouldn't want him to become unhappy.)

4. Please when I say STOP NOW it is because I am becoming frustrated and angry and I don't do well like that. It brings back Bad Mood DH and I will never be Bad Mood DH again. I don't want anyone to hear or see that DH. (Generally, when you have a NAME for your alter ego...that's not a good sign.)

5. Sometimes I feel like I am being grilled or interrogated. I hate that. (Hmmm...so my "good cop, bad cop" routine is working then?)

In light of DH's benevolent willingness to help me be better behaved, I am going to put a most sincere effort into getting along. Perhaps next time we speak I will tell him he is looking rather dashing in his straight jacket and padded room.

Nuttier Than An Almond On A Walnut Tree

Um...

PSYCHO!

DH's parting words to me today:

"Take care of yourself...I love you."

WHAT?!?!

The Mole

My recent comments in a telephone call to DH ;) Just trying to keep him on his toes.

"DH, I have told you once before...There is someone in your inner circle of associates who loves me more than they love you. So, all those things you've done that you think I don't know...

I do.

And if you think I will lift one finger to stop them as they come barrelling down upon you to bite you in the ass...

You are mistaken."

I Want To Be Your Personal Asshat

DH has another love interest.

A highly top secret inside source has informed me that the reason he did not visit DD this weekend was that he had a date.

It was definitely someone new. I can't imagine what the others are going to think!

Here I sit, with my brow furrowed and fingernails tapping impatiently on the table...wondering how, oh how, DH has managed to accumulate such an impressive collection of mistresses in such a short period of time.

His charm, sincerity, generosity, compassion, and intellectual aptitude - while admittedly great - seem hardly enough to attract such attention.

A quick search of the local personal ads for "asshat" yielded nothing.

It did occur to me that he might be using an alias...something a bit more flattering, perhaps?

Whatever his method, there seems to be an unusually high demand for cruel, abusive, dim-witted, narcissistic tightwads who have recently kicked their wives and infants out of their homes.

I would encourage everyone to rush right out and get their own before the supply dries up.

Meet Me Under The Mistletoe

Halloween has not yet arrived and I already find myself fretting over what to get DD for her first Christmas. I do so prefer to finish my shopping early, so as to avoid being trampled to death beneath a herd of shoppers scrambling for $10 DVD players at Walmart.

The trouble is, DH had recently made me aware of some rather serious deficiencies in my parenting. Specifically, my ability to choose suitable toys for DD.

I am one of those moms that more competent parents (like DH) speak of in hushed tones while shaking their heads reproachfully.

See, I had bought DD a toy, an inappropriate toy. Clearly, I had not put much thought into the wisdom of giving such a toy to an infant.

I should have known better.

Fortunately, DH has "raised three children and has a granddaughter," and does know better, so he was able to correct me on the matter.

Here is the toy I had been so neglectful in allowing DD to play with:



At first glance, it may seem quite harmless, however, if you peer a bit more closely...

...you will see all those little pieces in there. Now, while I had thought this was commonly known as a "rattle", it turns out that it is actually a "choking hazard."

It is. All those little pieces are unsafe.

DH told me so.

I humbly accepted this embarrassing correction to my dangerous parenting choices. Still, I was trembling with fear over having to pick out appropriate toys for DD's Christmas.

What if my lack of sense lead me to buy her a chainsaw or a pencil sharpener?

Much to my good fortune, DH stepped in to provide me with some brilliant ideas during one of his visits with DD.

Prizing literacy himself, and wanting DD to get an early start on learning her alphabet, specifically the letters C, A, U, T, I, O, and N, DH found this nice bit of dirty plastic "caution" tape at the construction site around my home.

At first, I had questioned DH about the advisability of allowing DD to play with plastic. Not to worry, though, because DH assured me that he would "not let her do anything to harm herself."

Then, I was troubled over the dirtiness of the plastic tape.

Again, it was a misplaced concern. A brief browsing of the Internet informed me that dirt is a source of the valuable vitamin B-12.

Heaven forbid DD develop scurvy, rickets, or some other nutrient deficiency due to my lack of attentiveness to her intake of filth.

Another part of DD's playtime routine with DH consists of learning timekeeping. She has already developed a familiarity with digital watches that far exceeds that of her peers. While DH particularly enjoys letting her chew on his watch, it is not something I need to worry about. DH takes his watch out of her mouth periodically to make sure no little pieces have fallen off.

Again, I had been slightly bothered by the fact that this watch spends much of its time in the ocean with DH while he is surfing. He surfs sometimes when the beach is closed due to a sewage spill. But I'm sure all the poopy germs evaporate before he puts the watch in DD's mouth

I was also inspired by this toy. Notice the loose lid and removable plastic ring. These are great for helping babies develop fine motor skills.

With all of DH's great baby toy ideas in mind, I thought I'd try my hand at coming up with some ideas of my own.

Since she is teething, I was thinking that a bit of barbed wire might be just the thing to help her cut her teeth. I was also thinking that a bag of marbles would be great manipulatives for teaching her how to count. Maybe she would even be up to learning addition and subtraction.

That's really all I could come up with for now. But I believe DH will be back again this weekend to visit, so I will keep my eyes peeled for more ideas.

Warmest Welcome to Attorney Asshat

I spoke with my attorney the other day about my great concern over being up against the mountain of intellect that is my DH. I had made a careless mistake that gave him access to "Exhibit C" and forced me to make my blog private. I didn't want to make any further missteps.

You never know where an asshat might be lurking.

My imagination causes me to envision him hiding out in the dumpster where I dispose of my garbage, rooting around for some incriminating tidbit of evidence to support his claims of my wickedness. Somehow, this seems to be an entirely suitable environment for him.

Certainly, he would whimper and drool at the opportunity to gain access to the rest of my blog entries. Then he would find out about all of my crimes and misdeeds against him.

You know, that plan I had to marry him just to have a baby, leave, and take all his precious money. And how my mom was in on it because she wanted a grandbaby. And my dad - he was in on it too. From the very beginning. He paid for the wedding, just so I could put my plan into effect.

Just to be safe, I asked my attorney if it was safe to continue blogging. He assured me that it was, however, anything I put in writing could, eventually, be read by DH.

If DH read my blog, my attorney cautioned, it might make it difficult for us to get along and communicate.

Since DH is already impossible to communicate with, even without any help from my blog, I figured I had nothing to lose by continuing to write about him.

So, any day now, Never Marry An Asshat may be visited by Attorney Asshat (I have changed his name to protect his identity - Asshat is not his real name).

Attorney Asshat, we bid you fond greetings and very happy reading! Please feel free to stay and comment!