Friday, August 10, 2007

One For You, One For Me, One For You...

Poor DH.

In addition to suffering the indignity of having found himself on the losing end of a battle wits, he will shortly find himself to be a bit lighter in the wallet.

Several days ago, he came to the realization that he might possibly need an attorney. Since his initial efforts at protecting his assets by tucking them away in his panty drawer have failed, he must have given up on his notion of representing himself.

His new lawyer has been hard at work, having done a grand spanking good job of preparing DH for our custody mediation.

He has also, in recent days, placed a call to my attorney.

He knows that his client, Mr. Asshat, has been removing money from the accounts and concealing it in fool-proof hiding places. He and Mr. Asshat will promptly make an accounting of all the money and I see to it that I receive half.

I'm quite certain he is hoping that I will be too busy swooning at the kindness of his offer to nit-pick over what, exactly, constitutes half of the money.

The reason I am so certain of this sneaky plan is that he has clearly instructed his client to make every effort to appease me, so as to stay out of trouble for his money embezzling scheme.

Since the time his attorney jumped aboard DH's sinking ship, DH has slathered me with terms of endearment...offered to return all of my dinnerware - neatly packed, at that...inquired about the health of my mother - a concern near to his heart...and wished me health, happiness, and good cheer at every opportunity.

Or maybe he is simply being so friendly because he has concluded that it would be far, far cheaper for him to reconcile with me. Heck, if we were to stay married, he could go back to spending his usual $100 per year on me, and $7.99 every six months for DD.

One hundred fifteen dollars and 98 cents per year is quite a bargain for a wife and kid.

While he continues to make plans to play nice, I am busy clearing off a safe place on my kitchen counter top to keep my money.

Or maybe I'll keep it in my van. That might be safer.

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