A Confederacy of Dunces

"When a true genius appears in this world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in confederacy against him."

~Jonathan Swift

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While I do not generally engage in the practice of referring to myself as a "true genius," seriously...look at the smorgasbord of incurable stupidity I am up against.

So please, if you will, indulge me in the opportunity - just this once - to play the role of "true genius."

You will find, I believe, the casting of the other characters (the Confederacy of Dunces), to be quite transparent.

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It would seem that DH does not trust me. Or maybe it is his money that he does not trust. It is hard to tell what goes on in that devious little brain of his - the wheels spinning so fast I can barely keep up.

At any rate, the big money was gone. He may have thought I would stumble upon it if I decided to take a pair of his undies as a memento to his fidelity. I do not know.

To show him how honest I am, I took $5 out of his buckets-o-money, then left him a voicemail telling him I took it and instructing him to deduct it from my monthly check.

Let's wait to see if he hits a new low in pettiness. I wonder if he'll charge me interest?

While poking my nose around - and leaving one poopy diaper in each of his trash cans - I did find strong circumstantial evidence to support his claim of only a one night stand.

See, he had bought the "One Night Stand" sized box of condoms. How could I have ever doubted him? I will have to slap myself on the back of the hand with a ruler as penitence for my disbelief.

I guess he couldn't find a pack of three...or six...or twelve...or twenty-four...or thirty-six...

Anyway...In other news, I have now heard from his two grown DCs about that unfortunate email virus fiasco. They are as skilled at hurling insults as DH is at hiding money.

As you may already know, the alcoholic, three-time high school dropout DC had this to say:

"stop being such a republican nazi"

After three days of weeping over the painful sting inflicted by these hurtful words, I have finally recovered enough emotional fortitude to reprint them.

How could his DC have known that my greatest fear in life was becoming a republican nazi? Right up there with my fear of being abducted by aliens or growing a third eye just below my belly button.

I have also received a response from drug addict DC. This was the more hurtful of the two, as I have always looked to this DC as my moral compass.

"what the hell is this?? You are acting like a child. Did you really think that by checking my father's email, and sending it to everybody was going to change my opinion of my father or YOU and what you are doing to him??? GROW UP.... you are a mother now, act like one"

This DC would know about parental responsibility, for sure, as the proud parent of a drug baby who was taken away by the State.

I will not be responding, as I would have to take a whole bottle of Benedryl every day just to dumb myself down to their level enough to be able to communicate with them.

Do You Want To Know The Truth?

Amen for clarity!

And DH is most clearly full of crap.

I called late last night to remind him to leave me a key to get into the house.

Well, that's why I said I was calling. I actually wanted to wake him up. Just for kicks. Dark circles under the eyes don't do much to promote one's adulterous love affairs.

Out of the blue...I mean, out of the blackness of night, DH asked "Do you want to know the truth?"

No thank you. I've been oh-so-amused pussyfooting around your explosive temper while searching for half-truths and stumbling upon lies.

Why on earth would I care to know the truth?

He told me anyway.

I put on a pretense of having learned to "listen to him" a.k.a. "believe everything he says."

The truth is - and we all know how honest he is - he wasn't having an affair at all.

He had simply selected a female coworker, then established a personal goal of getting her to "come home with him".

That's all.

It's a good thing I "listened to him." Because THAT behavior is SOOOO much less sleazy than the scenario I had imagined.

If only I had known to begin with that it was ONLY a one night stand, I might have given him my blessing. And here, all along, I thought he was doing something immoral.

I'm sooo glad he cleared that up for me!

What a relief! Now I can go back to thinking of him as a committed husband and fine, upstanding man. Whew!

The Musings of an Asshat

After returning from my recent mission to the "marital homestead," I realized - much to my utter surprise - that a page of DH's man-diary had somehow fallen into my diaper bag. I can't even begin to imagine how this happened. I have commented briefly in yellow, however please be free to meditate upon the deeper meaning of his text at your leisure.

I am upset, angry, hurt. Sometimes I feel deceived. From the very beginning of us I was honest and upfront about how I felt about things. You asked me about my childhood, my marriage. I told you about an affair. I asked - told you - to never say anything, but you did (yes, when forced me to take family vacations with your ex-lover and watch you rub suntan lotion on each other).

You acted surprised that I've gotten moody, irritated, angry, or unhappy when I told you this is how I would get if I was put back in the position I was in when I was younger. I did not want to be the main bread winner or worry about my job, about paying the bills (you said you wanted to retire at age 50 and sit on the beach alone and not be bothered, while I supported you). When we got married, you were working and together, we could live cheaper, you pay me $600, which was not even half of the mortgage (I was never told I would have to pay rent to my husband).

I told you how I felt about credit card debt and what I went through before but the first thing you did was get into credit card debt. You said you would be able to pay for the wedding but you put $2000 on a credit card. That made me responsible for half! (You paid for nothing. The wedding was only $8,000, so it's not like I was a big spender.)

I do not like it when you say you tell me you are going to do something and then only do it part way (If you set this to music it could be his theme song, I've heard it so often).

I love you but at some point you are going to have to take some responsibility for what is going on (for sacrificing everything and living in poverty so you could have everything you wanted). What I said in the beginning did not change but what you said did. I've tried to be a good man and I try not to say anything and when I do I am a jerk (How many times did you tell me you hated me and wanted a divorce?).

I don't want to fight with you. I have been through all that. I do not like that "you are an idiot" look you give me. I have always had a problem with you talking to your mother and sister. You do not talk to me that way (I did, but you were too absorbed in something else to hear me). I do not like coming home and tripping over things or not being able to sit down until I move stuff off the couch or out of the way. That has been going on since you have been pregnant (I was on BED REST).

It's not my fault that you do not have money. You made the choice not to have a weekend job and just go to school. It would have been hard for you for a year or two, but you could have done it (I was teaching FULL TIME, going to school, and running an online business!).

You did not listen to me. Did you think that was okay? I tried to tell you. I tried to hint that it was not okay with me. It was not fair to me (Had I listened during my pregnancy, I would be dead and so would DD.) .

I feel I am in the same position as before and I do not see any end in sight (Not for 18 years, anyway). I am turning into Bad Mood [DH] again and I hate that guy (Your therapist calls it Explosive Anger Disorder). The little things bother me now like you not trusting me to watch my own child in the parking lot (You left DC alone inside a running car).