Saturday, August 25, 2007

My Sweet Lovey Asshat

Awww. DH came to visit DD today. He is such a sweet and lovable man. So kind and courteous.

I ignored him the whole hour and a half, except to intervene twice when DD was crying hysterically.

Despite my lack of warm fuzziness, DH gave me a cuddly squeeze on the shoulder just as he was leaving.

There was no warning.

I didn't even have time to defend myself with a swift kick to his groin.

It was such a surprise, really. Especially considering, not 24 hours prior, he had used all kinds of colorfully worded phrases to describe me.

And here I thought he was a bad guy when he is really just a fluffy bunny! Boy, did I ever misunderestimate him ;)

Friday, August 24, 2007

Declarations Part 2

The only time I wasn't there was when I would go to work and go to the gym three times a week. I would stay at the gym until 8:00pm and be home by 8:30pm (let us do the math here...if baby goes to bed at 7:00pm, exactly how many hours per week was he available to "help with the baby as much as he could"?). After Petitioners mother left she became very distraught and easily upset (I had come to the grim realization that I was married not to a man, but to an Asshat). She stressed about everything concerning the baby and contacted her mother about everything because her mothers a nurse and knows everything (My mom is thoroughly tickled that DH would compliment her so kindly on her wisdom, and make it part of a legal document, no less. She really is a wise mom and it is nice to know DH has the sense to publicize it. She was SO flattered, in fact, that she intends to add this praise to her resume).

Petitioner couldn't be separated from the baby to go to the bathroom, she was afraid to leave the baby with me to go to the bathroom at Walmart because she was concerned I would wander away from the baby (I'd say this is a very unusual fear for a new mother. I wonder if I could possibly be a paranoid lunatic...or could there be something else behind this fear? An incompetent father? Let's see...that might be a bit tough to sort out. How WILL the courts decide...) and didn't know what I would do if anyone tried to touch the baby (well, he'd let CHILDREN with unwashed hands and drippy noses touch my low birth weight, RSV season newborn, so why WOULDN'T he let a stranger infected with leprosy or the plague touch DC too? Got to build up an immunity early!). This was unreasonable because she knew that I had raised three (3) children and I have a granddaughter (raising children who would be more suitable additions to a prison community than to society and having a granddaughter born addicted to methamphetamine - whom you've only seen a half dozen times in her two years of life - are EXCELLENT qualifications for parenting). This was the type of interaction that led to our separation she moved to her mothers (shocking...simply SHOCKING!).

4. Petition claims that I have failed to provided adequate support for her and my DD. Since March up until today I have given Petitioner $XXX (he is going to FAINT when he finds out he should have been paying me THREE TIMES as much).

5. Petitioner claims to need spousal support but has the capability to be self supporting and earn enough money to support herself. Prior to marriage, Petitioner was an accountant of some sort (at least we know he took an interest in the specifics of my life). When we got married, Petitioner was going to school to get her teaching credential and was working part time. When Petitioner graduated from college she began working as a substitute teacher.

6. In or about the month of October 2006 (it was October 23, to be exact. But he would have had no way of knowing that, as he was too busy "attending to my needs" to be bothered with the particulars of my preterm labor), Petitioner was put on bed rest by her physician (or was it my dentist?), and in February delivered the baby via C-Section. Petitioner claims that she is not able to work because she is caring for our infant. However, Petitioner nor the baby have any type of existing medical condition where they need to be together at all times. Petitioner did experience complications during pregnancy but is capable of gaining employment and earning a living. Petitioner is currently nursing the baby but she is able to extract her milk (this is a complex and somewhat painful process involving all sorts of farm equipment, heavy machinery, and coal driven furnaces. I realize MOST women prefer to EXPRESS their milk using a breast pump, however, I find this method to be rather boring, really) to supply it to a babysitter or day care facility where the baby can be cared for while she works (and substitute teachers earn just enough after taxes to pay the cost of day care with approximately 32 cents per day left over - not bad for a day's work).

7. Petitioner claims to not be able to get a teaching job because she is no longer substituting but with her college degree she is able to obtain other types of employment (My degree was in Anthropology, specifically Primatology. There is currently a regional shortage of jobs catering to people who can train captive chimpanzees to use tools and and sign the words "asshat" and "deadbeat dad").

8. Petitioner claims that I have a safety deposit box with $150,000, this statement is ridiculous. time (I seem to recall the years of our marriage being very profitable oThere is no money or any other items in this safety deposit box (then where, exactly, is the money? In your freezer? Funny coincidence how the safe deposit box was opened...let's see...two days before you received a ginormous check from your bank that had some resemblance to that amount of money. Or is the safe deposit box where you are keeping your underwear, now that your dresser drawer is full of cash?).

9. The marital standard of living was based entirely on my income simply because PETITIONER DID NOT WANT TO WORK
(I am finding SO MANY errors in this document! Proofread! Proofread! Proofread! I'm sure this was intended to say "because Petitioner did not want to work full time as a substitute teacher, work part time for a family member AND get a job at Kohl's Department Store on the weekends, all while trying to finish school." Had I been a little less lazy, I am sure I would have succeeded in being so industrious. As it was, I spent most of my time sitting around on my hindquarters all day, watching soap operas and eating chocolate covered bonbons).

12. Petitioner claims that I have been withdrawing cash from our accounts however we never had a joint bank account. There is substantial amounts in savings that are premarital assets and tracing to support this claim will be provided at a later
nes for DH. Can't wait to see his documentation)
. I did make a withdrawal (A withdrawal?????) and had the money at home in my sock drawer (Um, that would be his panty drawer, but I'm guessing he thought it was more respectable to hide money in his sock drawer). I later discovered in a blog posted by Petitioner that she had come into the home and took $3,000 from my sock drawer and a grocery bag full of quarters. A copy of the blog is being provided to the court as "EXHIBIT C" (upon rereading this blog entry - which I had deleted - I find endless amusement in the fact that it is now part of court record). Petitioner complains that I have cut off all access to community funds but she never had access (Ahhh, he admits to being financially abusive!).

I declare under penalty of perjury under the laws of the State that the foregoing is true and correct (tee hee hee).

Mr. Asshat, Respondent

Thursday, August 23, 2007

The Declarations of a Competent Asshat

Just when I thought all my birthday gifts had been unwrapped and the celebration was over until this time next year, a package arrived in the mail.

It was a copy of DH's response to my divorce filing.

I had no idea that DH was a writer of comedy! I have highlighted my comments to some of the more interesting points in yellow to aid you in being mesmerized as you gaze into the mind of DH's greatness.

In addition to his highly dramatic and moving storytelling, I have also received a petition requesting that I pay his legal expenses. Yes, that is correct. HE wants ME to pay his attorney fees. I can only imagine, in light of all the other circumstances surrounding this soap opera, that a judge will find that to be a perfectly reasonable request.

I quiver in fear.

So, here it is, in DH's very own words which have been heavily edited by another person (please remember that DH feels neither punctuation nor proper spelling to be essential elements of coherent writing).

(I have omitted some of the standard legal stuff and identifying information)


I offer the within declaration in lieu of personal testimony.

1. I am the Respondent in this above noted matter. I have personal knowledge of the facts stated herein and if called to testify as a witness, I could and would competently testify thereto (competently, could he? As competently as during our custody hearing, perhaps?).

3. Since Petitioner moved out I have been driving to her home to visit on Saturdays or Sundays to visit with the baby. These visits are very brief lasting between thirty minutes to one hour because Petitioner and I have gotten into arguments. We argue because I want her to come home with the baby (he conveyed this desire with the words "I hate you" and "I can't believe I ever loved you") and she brings up past problems resulting in a disagreement that becomes an argument at a level that I feel uncomfortable in front of the baby (he can say he didn't want DD in front of her, but an argument would just be crossing the line), it becomes a "he said" "she said" argument and I don't want to continue in front of the baby so when she pushes my buttons I leave because I don't want to argue (the mark of a stable man - he has "buttons" that turn on his rage). I can't visit my DD in the presence of my wife because she will always start an argument which forces me to leave.

Before Petitioner became pregnant we argued about twice every six months (this may have been how often I actually KNEW what the arguments were about, since he was very good at one sided fits of anger). Generally we got along pretty well (as long as I was submitting to his will and didn't ask for a glass of water or eat any of his cheese). During the pregnancy our relationship was pretty stable (I was stuck in the house, in the dark, without any human interaction from my DH, or any air conditioning, or any cheese, for FIVE MONTHS).

I accompanied her and her mother to purchase the crib, car seat, bassinet and other necessary baby items (because I told him he had to. My MOM paid for the whole lot of it). I went to as many doctors appointments as I could (ONE, because my mom MADE him) and took her to the hospital when she delivered the baby (hmmm, let's see if I recall my birth experience MOM took me to the hospital. He did not arrive until many hours later and would have gone to the gym had my mom not INSISTED he come sooner).

I spent the first night with her after the baby was born and the next night Petitioners mom gave me a break and I returned the next day (in the late afternoon. He had to go surfing first. I gave him a "break" because he thought he should sleep through the night and make me get up and down out of bed with a C-Section to get the baby, not once getting up to help). When we came home from the hospital I did everything I could to help her with the baby (I just don't even know where to begin commenting on this statement *sigh*). Her mother came home from the hospital with us and spent the next two weeks caring for Petitioner.

Since her mother was a nurse she took over and cared for Petitioner since I had to go to work (he could take two weeks off to go on vacation while I was home with a new baby, but he did not take one single day off after I came home, despite having mounds of vacation time available. Better to save that time off for a future surf trip, I reckon). I was very concerned for her since she had a C-section (what he MEANT to say was that he was very concerned that I did not lose all of my baby weight before I came home from the hospital). When I came home I tried to help but when her mother was there she took care of them (my VERY naughty mom. How dare she actually take care of me when DH desired for me to exist in a completely despondent and neglected state. She always did ruin his plans like that).

I helped with the baby as much as I could (how many times is he going to say that? Hmmm? Anyone keeping track?). Petitioner nurses so I would sit next to her (and watch boxing) and helped out if needed (his grunted responses to my attempts at conversation and moans of inconvenience at being asked for a glass of water were helpful to a fault. And so nice to see that he "helped out" with nursing. How exactly did he do that, I wonder? With a supplemental nurser, do you suppose?). When I got home from work I would help change diapers and help out as much as I could (that would be a career total of three diapers - wiped back to front, BTW - you know, the proper way to do it for a girl).


Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Happy Birthday to Me

DH called this morning and left a heartfelt message on my voicemail. He hopes I have a happy day and was so sorry to have missed me. He actually asked me to call him back, if I got a chance.

Despite searching the vast depths of hell, I was able to come up with not one single chance.

I imagine he will be sitting at home in the dark right now, feeling lonely and rejected. I am such an ungracious wife, ignoring his well-wishes in such a rude manner.


I apologize for the interruption...there are big things brewing. A better birthday present I could simply not hope for. It is going to take me a moment or two to type it up. Please bear with me. I promise it will be well worth the wait.

In the meantime, please cruise on down to your local drug store. You are going to need to pick up some Depends to get through it. I'm serious.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Going for a TKO

I got a dreadful call from the courthouse the other day. We have to go back and start all over again. The person handling our case took a leave of absence without finishing her documentation.

All that drama for nothing. I am so disappointed.

I called the courthouse to express my disillusionment at the fact DH will get a second chance to make a false impression. Maybe there was a thing or two he would have preferred to have omitted.

I mean, he couldn't really be stupid enough to repeat all those things he said before, could he? This can only mean I must be extra astute in pushing DH's buttons during our interview. I'm generally quite skilled at this.

The other day, it took only a single question about his relationship with the Work Ho to set him off. It sent him into such a wild rage I thought for sure some major blood vessel in his body would burst.

He reminded me - in language festooned with much profanity - that this had been my plan from the beginning.

To marry a psycho loony nut? Be verbally, emotionally, and financially abused? Have a baby - only to be kicked out of the house 5 weeks postpartum? Have to be supported by my parents, while struggling to ensure my baby escapes the evil clutches of a man gone mad?

What a brilliant plan I had! Saw right through me, he did.

And what's worse, my mom was in on the whole thing. She wanted a grandbaby, complete with child support payments. What a wicked woman.

Then there is my dad, who financed the whole scheme. Paid for the wedding, simply so I could put my plan into action. That was a very naughty thing to do.

I suggested he invest in a good psychiatric evaluation. I can't say for sure, but he may not have take this comment to heart.

I fear that I may have, in response to his raving tizzy, emitted a less-than-stiffled giggle or two. One of the side effects of remaining calm against DH's onslaughts, is that it gives my mind the clarity to find humor in the insanity of his words.

Lest I give the impression of DH being a total monster, please know that he did call the next morning to wish me a fine day.

And the next evening to tell me he loved me and was deeply regretful that he had not done a good enough job at being a husband.

And the evening after that to tell me good night.

He even told me again that I was pretty.

See, that makes up for his tirade just a bit, doesn't it? I will just sit by the phone, then, and await his next explosion of rage. It should be arriving any day now.