Saturday, November 24, 2007

They Were Wrong

The scientists.

All of them.

Those who are particularly under scrutiny for being incorrect are the astronomers.

Boy, did they have it wrong.

The earth, it would seem, does NOT actually revolve around the sun.

The sun doesn't even revolve around the earth.

There are a lot of text books out there in need of revision.

It is around DH's surf schedule that the entire universe revolves.

In fact, I would go so far as to say, the entire universe was CREATED to facilitate DH's desire to sit on the beach alone and surf, interrupted only by the occasional dalliance with a snaggle-toothed girlfriend.

Great extremes are required to separate DH from his surfing schedule. For example, being so sick with the flu that he cannot muster the strength to suit up and paddle out.

Being too sick to surf, he decided he ought to settle for visiting DC instead.

Not feeling certain that smothering a baby with flu germs was advisable, I questioned whether DH ought to visit today.

My uncertainty was laid to rest, however, when DH told me not to worry, he wouldn't get DC sick.

While I am sure DH's super hero magical powers would prevent his flu bugs from transmitting to DC, I told him it was probably best that he stay home and rest so that he might return to surfing sooner.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

For The Sake Of Comparison

We all know by now what a dismal failure I was as the wife of an Asshat. I do hope DH has been a bit more selective in choosing his current girlfriend.

I thought to do a quick comparison to see how Beth stacked up.

Let's see...

~DH said I was fat at my pre-pregnancy weight of 145 and 5'3".
Beth is 175 and 5'3".

I wonder how long until DH starts to ration her cheese?

~I am blonde.
Beth is bleached blonde.

~I did not earn enough money per DH's expectation.
Beth earns substantially less.

~I can spell, or at least use a dictionary.
Beth prefers not to maintain skills in that area.

~I am 33.
Beth is 38 and might possibly have more wrinkles, bags, and overall sagginess than me.

~I have two cats that DH hated (and tried to feed to the neighborhood coyotes while I was moving out.)
Beth has something akin to a zoo and probably smells of cow manure and cat urine.

~I, while slightly more dramatic than the average folks, am most certainly mentally stable.
Beth appears to be somewhat of a cross between a manic-depressive and a Tazmanian Devil on crack, although I have no medical substantiation to these claims.

~I was baggage-free.
Beth has "a long history of bad relationships with men."

~I have flawless teeth.
Beth is snaggle-toothed.

Yep, I'd have to say he's taken a step up in the world.