The Second Mediation

*sigh*

I woke up in the Twilight Zone.

Our mediator was a reincarnation of Kathy Bates' character in the movie Misery.

I do believe she also had fangs.

And horns.

They must have imported her from Were the Wild Things Are.

Either that, or I forgot to remove the "I'm an unfit human, please berate me" sign from my forehead before I arrived.

She gave me approximately 5 minutes 8 seconds to speak. DH was given upwards of an hour. During one pause in his sob story about how I had abandoned him and taken his daughter away from him, I asked very nicely if I would have an opportunity to respond.

She abruptly informed me that I had already had a chance to tell her everything and it was his turn. She then bit off three of my toes and spit poison in my left eye.

I, she would have me know, am "highly reactive, overly sensitive, and high strung".

That seems to be a lot to garner from a person who sat quietly and patiently while being insulted for eating too much cheese while she was pregnant.

We are both bitter and nasty towards one another, she said. Again, I'm not certain how she was able to come to this conclusion, as I was not given the opportunity to behave bitterly or nastily. Anytime she did allow me to speak, she promptly cut me off mid-sentence because she felt everything I was saying was irrelevant.

Most importantly, were DH's observations that I contributed nothing to our marriage, lied, exaggerated, withheld information, stole his baby, and turned my father against him. Oh, and I ate his cheese.

She asked me to explain exactly why I would have stayed married to him if he were really abusive and why I would have had a baby.

You know, blame the victim.

She also rolled her eyes at me once and criticized me for staying married to an abusive man.

I'm currently waiting to hear back from my attorney.

My mom is currently on the phone to SeaWorld to see if they are planning to release any sharks to the wild. There is particular surf spot in our area she would like to recommend.

Custody Hearing - Take Two

Our custody re-mediation is scheduled from 8:00 to 10:00 am Pacific time. I will post an update once I return home.

Rules of Engagement

DH has been such a good sport through all this mess. He has tried so hard to make our parting of ways amicable.

And I...I have been nothing but a troublemaker and an instigator.

Despite my poor behavior, DH is, it turns out, determined to be the peacemaker. He wants so badly for us to get along civilly. He's just a good guy, trying his best to get along.

He invited me over on Labor Day to get the remainder of my personal belongings. Or as he phrased it, so he "didn't have to spend the money on gas to drive to see DD."

As I was packing up my things in the bedroom, I noticed out of the corner of my eye something that required closer examination.

It was a note on my dresser. It was for me. A note to me!

DH had gone and written me a list of rules for how to behave in our divorce.

I flushed with embarrassment at the thought that I had been so wayward in my behavior as to require rules.

I quickly photographed them so that I might memorize them at my leisure. I have also written them on my bathroom mirror in lipstick.


RULES OF ENGAGEMENT

1. No name calling. (I can only assume DH has taken offense to the title of my blog.)

2. Don't keep trying to get me to UNDERSTAND or ACKNOWLEDGE you. (Fine, then I will ignore you too and whistle the tune to the Dukes of Hazard every time you open your mouth to speak.)

3. Do not do or say things out of SPITE, like make phone calls. Because whether or not you think I am right or WRONG or your family or friends or a therapist agree you, I DON'T and these things will make me unhappy and bitter. (Okay, everyone must IMMEDIATELY stop thinking poorly of DH. We simply wouldn't want him to become unhappy.)

4. Please when I say STOP NOW it is because I am becoming frustrated and angry and I don't do well like that. It brings back Bad Mood DH and I will never be Bad Mood DH again. I don't want anyone to hear or see that DH. (Generally, when you have a NAME for your alter ego...that's not a good sign.)

5. Sometimes I feel like I am being grilled or interrogated. I hate that. (Hmmm...so my "good cop, bad cop" routine is working then?)

In light of DH's benevolent willingness to help me be better behaved, I am going to put a most sincere effort into getting along. Perhaps next time we speak I will tell him he is looking rather dashing in his straight jacket and padded room.

Nuttier Than An Almond On A Walnut Tree

Um...

PSYCHO!

DH's parting words to me today:

"Take care of yourself...I love you."

WHAT?!?!

The Mole

My recent comments in a telephone call to DH ;) Just trying to keep him on his toes.

"DH, I have told you once before...There is someone in your inner circle of associates who loves me more than they love you. So, all those things you've done that you think I don't know...

I do.

And if you think I will lift one finger to stop them as they come barrelling down upon you to bite you in the ass...

You are mistaken."

I Want To Be Your Personal Asshat

DH has another love interest.

A highly top secret inside source has informed me that the reason he did not visit DD this weekend was that he had a date.

It was definitely someone new. I can't imagine what the others are going to think!

Here I sit, with my brow furrowed and fingernails tapping impatiently on the table...wondering how, oh how, DH has managed to accumulate such an impressive collection of mistresses in such a short period of time.

His charm, sincerity, generosity, compassion, and intellectual aptitude - while admittedly great - seem hardly enough to attract such attention.

A quick search of the local personal ads for "asshat" yielded nothing.

It did occur to me that he might be using an alias...something a bit more flattering, perhaps?

Whatever his method, there seems to be an unusually high demand for cruel, abusive, dim-witted, narcissistic tightwads who have recently kicked their wives and infants out of their homes.

I would encourage everyone to rush right out and get their own before the supply dries up.