Saturday, July 14, 2007

Hi Ho! Hi Ho! It's off to the lake we go!

Finally! An acknowledgement!

"I got the papers."

Yes, but have you read them yet?

The answer would still be "no."

An even larger chunk of money was stealthfully removed from the accounts again this morning.

There were also four suspicious debit card authorizations for four different gas stations. All within 24 hours. That would be an odd amount of gas to be using.

Could it be that DH is fleeing the country with his ill-gotten gains?

Ahhhhh...that would be perfect. He would miss his court date and I would win. I eagerly plotted his gas station stops on a map to see where he was heading.

Much to my dismay, it was not a remote island prone to tsumanis or an African savannah surrounded by ferocious lions.

There could be only one destination he had in mind.

A lake.

But not just any lake.

The lake he has visited with The Lake Ho for the past 20+ years.

Hmmm...this could mean only one thing...

I'm thinking DH thinks he's too sneaky for me to ever figure it out.

Friday, July 13, 2007

Dumb Runs Deep

It would seem that dumb is even dumber than one might imagine.

While we are all sitting around, waiting for DH to begin the literacy classes he so obviously needs, he has been quite too occupied with other things to take note of his apparent inability to read.

It is sad, in a way, that after all the trouble I have been through, my divorce declaration sits on his coffee table, untouched by the eyes for which it was intended.

But, to DH's credit, he has been very busy. In fact, I can hardly blame him for having so little time to devote to reading a crumby divorce paper (and he only had to get to Page 2 to read about his money laundering scheme).

See, just this morning, he withdrew FOUR times his usually daily amount from his (our) accounts. He also took out an additional $75,000 cash from his home equity line of credit.

I can't imagine what he is intending to do with all that cash...

SURELY, he would be smarter than to hide it in his car...or in his underwear drawer...or on his kitchen counter top...surely.

Further, in the process of my thorough review of his daily activities, I have found that I was mistaken about The Lake Ho.

I hate when I'm wrong. It makes me look less competent at what I do.

I may have given the impression in my previous post that DH had contacted The Lake Ho on the Fourth of July. This was in error. Shame on me for not checking my facts first.

DH actually called her right after I left, many months ago. The door had barely swung shut behind me and he was already on the phone with his Ho-Mistress.

Now I know for sure that he was being absolutely sincere when he told me he wanted to work things out.

There's nothing like taking up with your old mistress to show your wife how devoted you are to saving your marriage.

Thursday, July 12, 2007


Sixteen pages.

That's how many pages were in DH's little package o' divorce papers.

I know it must be a lot to sort through, however, there was only one sentence written in bold type.

That's the one he should have read. Certainly, it was the easiest to see.

Why, oh why, did he not read it?

He must not have.

It said "Respondent also has approximately $XXXXXX in cash in his safe deposit box that he has been trying to launder and conceal in anticipation of divorce."

Surely if he had read it, he would not have stopped at the ATM this morning and taken out even more money.

Sigh...Now I have to wait until this evening for him to get home and have another opportunity to read the stinkin paperwork before I can provide an account of his explosive reaction to finding out that I know.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

The First Ho

I don't know what to say.

If DH is going to continue to insist upon being stupid, I am going to have to insist upon being smarter than him.

He's been sneaking around. Very surprising, I know. And he has already demonstrated how oh-so-top-secret he can be in his sneakiness.

The first ho...the one from the lake...the one who broke up his first marriage...she's back.

Now, I'm not supposed to know this. In fact, DH still swears it is not true.

Just like he swears he has no money.

And I'm supposed to be too dumb to figure it out.

Too bad his cell phone contract is in my name. Heck, I even spend 10% of my child support paying his bill. Not because I'm a particularly benevolent person towards adulterous frauds, but because I would like to maintain my high credit rating.

It would probably come as a shock to him to find out that cell phone bills come with a handy call detail section.

When I see an unfamiliar number appearing on the bill with alarming frequency, I would be remiss if I did not call the number to find out to whom it belonged. After all, phone companies do make mistakes.

It is quite possible, I suppose, for them to make over three mistakes per day. Hmph! He never called me three times per day.

You just never know what those silly phone companies will do...

It would probably be no surprise, at this point, should I reveal the owner of that phone number...

That's right. The Lake Ho.

And he still denies it! In fact, he still whines about why I don't want to work things out.

For a lonely husband who's wife left him for no reason...just up and left..., he sure has been keeping busy. I wonder what One Night Stand Chick would have to say about this???

Anyway, he gets his divorce papers tomorrow. I'm just on pins and needles waiting to find out how he reacts when he learns that I know about all the money he's hidden!

Sunday, July 8, 2007

One Ho, Two Ho, Red Ho, Blue Ho

Clearly, I am having difficulty putting to words the events of my delightful Fourth of July. After five days of pondering, my thoughts on DHs two Patriotic Hos are still a-jumble in my head. I'll have to set the whole thing aside for a bit until the mess straightens itself out.

Besides, I've had other, more exciting things to think about!

DH has made me a kind and exceedingly generous divorce offer. Really, I had my panties all wadded up in anticipation of a costly and bitter battle over the assets, but it was all for naught.

Had I known he possessed such a soft-hearted and giving streak, I would have never left to begin with. Boy was I wrong!

During his most recent visit, DH offered to keep the house and let me pay half the mortgage.

I know...I was shocked when I heard it too! And here I thought he would try to keep everything for himself.

I blush when I think of how harshly I judged him.

He wants to share the debt!

It's beyond anything I could have hoped for. Wow! I feel all lighthearted and fluffy from the burden that has been lifted from me.

DD and I will have to live in a little cardboard box under the overpass, but at least I'll know I got a fair settlement.

Until I realized...

That house was my birthday gift. And my Valentine's Day gift. And my Anniversary gift. And I'm pretty sure Easter, St. Patrick's Day, and at least one get-well gift were included in that, too.

I specifically recall, the year we bought the house, DH didn't buy me any gifts.

No cards. No dinners. Not even a sweet little nothing whispered in my ear. Heck, he didn't even come home on my birthday.

His excuse - the house was my gift. It was for me. He said so. Honest he did.

I shouldn't have to pay for my own gifts. How tacky would that be?

Ugh! Just when I thought there was progress being made, DH comes along and digs his hole a little bit deeper.

I wonder how much it will cost him for me to discuss this with my attorney?