I woke up in the Twilight Zone.
Our mediator was a reincarnation of Kathy Bates' character in the movie Misery.
I do believe she also had fangs.
They must have imported her from Were the Wild Things Are.
Either that, or I forgot to remove the "I'm an unfit human, please berate me" sign from my forehead before I arrived.
She gave me approximately 5 minutes 8 seconds to speak. DH was given upwards of an hour. During one pause in his sob story about how I had abandoned him and taken his daughter away from him, I asked very nicely if I would have an opportunity to respond.
She abruptly informed me that I had already had a chance to tell her everything and it was his turn. She then bit off three of my toes and spit poison in my left eye.
I, she would have me know, am "highly reactive, overly sensitive, and high strung".
That seems to be a lot to garner from a person who sat quietly and patiently while being insulted for eating too much cheese while she was pregnant.
We are both bitter and nasty towards one another, she said. Again, I'm not certain how she was able to come to this conclusion, as I was not given the opportunity to behave bitterly or nastily. Anytime she did allow me to speak, she promptly cut me off mid-sentence because she felt everything I was saying was irrelevant.
Most importantly, were DH's observations that I contributed nothing to our marriage, lied, exaggerated, withheld information, stole his baby, and turned my father against him. Oh, and I ate his cheese.
She asked me to explain exactly why I would have stayed married to him if he were really abusive and why I would have had a baby.
You know, blame the victim.
She also rolled her eyes at me once and criticized me for staying married to an abusive man.
I'm currently waiting to hear back from my attorney.
My mom is currently on the phone to SeaWorld to see if they are planning to release any sharks to the wild. There is particular surf spot in our area she would like to recommend.