On Becoming Single

Now that I am officially single, it has been brought to my attention that I ought to be doing "things single people do." Specifically, this directive was given to me by my mother.

My mistake was in asking for clarification. Surely it has been known by daughters throughout the ages that one NEVER asks for a mother to expand upon any sentence that includes the word "things". That word never, ever amounts to any good.

But ask, I did.

I should have closed my eyes at the same time.

Placing her right hand on her hip and twitching her midsection like an unearthed worm, she declared the need for me to "be more sexy."

In all my 34 years, I have yet to find a reliable method to stop these conversations once my mom gets going. Any objection on my part (or attempts to flee) would be followed by an indecently loud declaration of "WHAT? What's wrong with you being SEXY? Why do you have such a problem talking about these things? You are ALLOWED to be SEXY!"

Note the repeated use of the word "things." Unfortunately for me, these conversations always take place in front of at least one other adult, and once, the entire fitting room of a department store.

In the course of this latest admonition to "be sexy," my mother also announced her intent to manage my dating life. Specifically, she instructed me to sign up for "one of those dating sites," urging me to "get out and have a little fun."

Well, wait just a moment, thought I. Get...Out...And...Have...A...Little...Fun...

Surely coming from a woman who wants me to wriggle and writhe in an unfortunate and humiliating attempt at sex appeal, the words "get out and have a little fun" could amount to no good.

Learning from my past errors of requesting elaboration, I bit my tongue and gagged audibly. Having meagerly escaped being signed up for OnLineBootyCall.com by my mother, I thought it best to avoid any colorful displays of indignation over her new self-appointed role in my life.

The next evening, not being one to let go of a brilliant idea (especially one that could someday result in a new husband for her daughter and more grandchildren for herself), she sat me down to clarify that I would be needing to sign up for both Match.com and eHarmony.com because she had checked with all her coworkers and that was what they all agreed to.

Deciding to turn my future over to my competent team of social handlers (a third of whom I have never even met), I will now set forth in an attempt to create an internet dating profile that is devoid of cliches, leaves no impression of deep mental illness or previous felony convictions, and utilizes punctuation and proper spelling to its fullest potential. And most importantly, I must make sure to never, ever, ever again give my attorney credit for any sneaky behavior on my part.