After returning from my recent mission to the "marital homestead," I realized - much to my utter surprise - that a page of DH's man-diary had somehow fallen into my diaper bag. I can't even begin to imagine how this happened. I have commented briefly in yellow, however please be free to meditate upon the deeper meaning of his text at your leisure.
I am upset, angry, hurt. Sometimes I feel deceived. From the very beginning of us I was honest and upfront about how I felt about things. You asked me about my childhood, my marriage. I told you about an affair. I asked - told you - to never say anything, but you did (yes, when forced me to take family vacations with your ex-lover and watch you rub suntan lotion on each other).
You acted surprised that I've gotten moody, irritated, angry, or unhappy when I told you this is how I would get if I was put back in the position I was in when I was younger. I did not want to be the main bread winner or worry about my job, about paying the bills (you said you wanted to retire at age 50 and sit on the beach alone and not be bothered, while I supported you). When we got married, you were working and together, we could live cheaper, you pay me $600, which was not even half of the mortgage (I was never told I would have to pay rent to my husband).
I told you how I felt about credit card debt and what I went through before but the first thing you did was get into credit card debt. You said you would be able to pay for the wedding but you put $2000 on a credit card. That made me responsible for half! (You paid for nothing. The wedding was only $8,000, so it's not like I was a big spender.)
I do not like it when you say you tell me you are going to do something and then only do it part way (If you set this to music it could be his theme song, I've heard it so often).
I love you but at some point you are going to have to take some responsibility for what is going on (for sacrificing everything and living in poverty so you could have everything you wanted). What I said in the beginning did not change but what you said did. I've tried to be a good man and I try not to say anything and when I do I am a jerk (How many times did you tell me you hated me and wanted a divorce?).
I don't want to fight with you. I have been through all that. I do not like that "you are an idiot" look you give me. I have always had a problem with you talking to your mother and sister. You do not talk to me that way (I did, but you were too absorbed in something else to hear me). I do not like coming home and tripping over things or not being able to sit down until I move stuff off the couch or out of the way. That has been going on since you have been pregnant (I was on BED REST).
It's not my fault that you do not have money. You made the choice not to have a weekend job and just go to school. It would have been hard for you for a year or two, but you could have done it (I was teaching FULL TIME, going to school, and running an online business!).
You did not listen to me. Did you think that was okay? I tried to tell you. I tried to hint that it was not okay with me. It was not fair to me (Had I listened during my pregnancy, I would be dead and so would DD.) .
I feel I am in the same position as before and I do not see any end in sight (Not for 18 years, anyway). I am turning into Bad Mood [DH] again and I hate that guy (Your therapist calls it Explosive Anger Disorder). The little things bother me now like you not trusting me to watch my own child in the parking lot (You left DC alone inside a running car).