Tuesday, July 3, 2007

A Confederacy of Dunces

"When a true genius appears in this world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in confederacy against him."

~Jonathan Swift


While I do not generally engage in the practice of referring to myself as a "true genius," seriously...look at the smorgasbord of incurable stupidity I am up against.

So please, if you will, indulge me in the opportunity - just this once - to play the role of "true genius."

You will find, I believe, the casting of the other characters (the Confederacy of Dunces), to be quite transparent.


It would seem that DH does not trust me. Or maybe it is his money that he does not trust. It is hard to tell what goes on in that devious little brain of his - the wheels spinning so fast I can barely keep up.

At any rate, the big money was gone. He may have thought I would stumble upon it if I decided to take a pair of his undies as a memento to his fidelity. I do not know.

To show him how honest I am, I took $5 out of his buckets-o-money, then left him a voicemail telling him I took it and instructing him to deduct it from my monthly check.

Let's wait to see if he hits a new low in pettiness. I wonder if he'll charge me interest?

While poking my nose around - and leaving one poopy diaper in each of his trash cans - I did find strong circumstantial evidence to support his claim of only a one night stand.

See, he had bought the "One Night Stand" sized box of condoms. How could I have ever doubted him? I will have to slap myself on the back of the hand with a ruler as penitence for my disbelief.

I guess he couldn't find a pack of three...or six...or twelve...or twenty-four...or thirty-six...

Anyway...In other news, I have now heard from his two grown DCs about that unfortunate email virus fiasco. They are as skilled at hurling insults as DH is at hiding money.

As you may already know, the alcoholic, three-time high school dropout DC had this to say:

"stop being such a republican nazi"

After three days of weeping over the painful sting inflicted by these hurtful words, I have finally recovered enough emotional fortitude to reprint them.

How could his DC have known that my greatest fear in life was becoming a republican nazi? Right up there with my fear of being abducted by aliens or growing a third eye just below my belly button.

I have also received a response from drug addict DC. This was the more hurtful of the two, as I have always looked to this DC as my moral compass.

"what the hell is this?? You are acting like a child. Did you really think that by checking my father's email, and sending it to everybody was going to change my opinion of my father or YOU and what you are doing to him??? GROW UP.... you are a mother now, act like one"

This DC would know about parental responsibility, for sure, as the proud parent of a drug baby who was taken away by the State.

I will not be responding, as I would have to take a whole bottle of Benedryl every day just to dumb myself down to their level enough to be able to communicate with them.

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