The Declarations of a Competent Asshat

Just when I thought all my birthday gifts had been unwrapped and the celebration was over until this time next year, a package arrived in the mail.

It was a copy of DH's response to my divorce filing.

I had no idea that DH was a writer of comedy! I have highlighted my comments to some of the more interesting points in yellow to aid you in being mesmerized as you gaze into the mind of DH's greatness.

In addition to his highly dramatic and moving storytelling, I have also received a petition requesting that I pay his legal expenses. Yes, that is correct. HE wants ME to pay his attorney fees. I can only imagine, in light of all the other circumstances surrounding this soap opera, that a judge will find that to be a perfectly reasonable request.

I quiver in fear.

So, here it is, in DH's very own words which have been heavily edited by another person (please remember that DH feels neither punctuation nor proper spelling to be essential elements of coherent writing).

(I have omitted some of the standard legal stuff and identifying information)

DECLARATION OF MR. ASSHAT

I offer the within declaration in lieu of personal testimony.

1. I am the Respondent in this above noted matter. I have personal knowledge of the facts stated herein and if called to testify as a witness, I could and would competently testify thereto (competently, could he? As competently as during our custody hearing, perhaps?).

3. Since Petitioner moved out I have been driving to her home to visit on Saturdays or Sundays to visit with the baby. These visits are very brief lasting between thirty minutes to one hour because Petitioner and I have gotten into arguments. We argue because I want her to come home with the baby (he conveyed this desire with the words "I hate you" and "I can't believe I ever loved you") and she brings up past problems resulting in a disagreement that becomes an argument at a level that I feel uncomfortable in front of the baby (he can say he didn't want DD in front of her, but an argument would just be crossing the line), it becomes a "he said" "she said" argument and I don't want to continue in front of the baby so when she pushes my buttons I leave because I don't want to argue (the mark of a stable man - he has "buttons" that turn on his rage). I can't visit my DD in the presence of my wife because she will always start an argument which forces me to leave.

Before Petitioner became pregnant we argued about twice every six months (this may have been how often I actually KNEW what the arguments were about, since he was very good at one sided fits of anger). Generally we got along pretty well (as long as I was submitting to his will and didn't ask for a glass of water or eat any of his cheese). During the pregnancy our relationship was pretty stable (I was stuck in the house, in the dark, without any human interaction from my DH, or any air conditioning, or any cheese, for FIVE MONTHS).

I accompanied her and her mother to purchase the crib, car seat, bassinet and other necessary baby items (because I told him he had to. My MOM paid for the whole lot of it). I went to as many doctors appointments as I could (ONE, because my mom MADE him) and took her to the hospital when she delivered the baby (hmmm, let's see if I recall my birth experience correctly...my MOM took me to the hospital. He did not arrive until many hours later and would have gone to the gym had my mom not INSISTED he come sooner).

I spent the first night with her after the baby was born and the next night Petitioners mom gave me a break and I returned the next day (in the late afternoon. He had to go surfing first. I gave him a "break" because he thought he should sleep through the night and make me get up and down out of bed with a C-Section to get the baby, not once getting up to help). When we came home from the hospital I did everything I could to help her with the baby (I just don't even know where to begin commenting on this statement *sigh*). Her mother came home from the hospital with us and spent the next two weeks caring for Petitioner.

Since her mother was a nurse she took over and cared for Petitioner since I had to go to work (he could take two weeks off to go on vacation while I was home with a new baby, but he did not take one single day off after I came home, despite having mounds of vacation time available. Better to save that time off for a future surf trip, I reckon). I was very concerned for her since she had a C-section (what he MEANT to say was that he was very concerned that I did not lose all of my baby weight before I came home from the hospital). When I came home I tried to help but when her mother was there she took care of them (my VERY naughty mom. How dare she actually take care of me when DH desired for me to exist in a completely despondent and neglected state. She always did ruin his plans like that).

I helped with the baby as much as I could (how many times is he going to say that? Hmmm? Anyone keeping track?). Petitioner nurses so I would sit next to her (and watch boxing) and helped out if needed (his grunted responses to my attempts at conversation and moans of inconvenience at being asked for a glass of water were helpful to a fault. And so nice to see that he "helped out" with nursing. How exactly did he do that, I wonder? With a supplemental nurser, do you suppose?). When I got home from work I would help change diapers and help out as much as I could (that would be a career total of three diapers - wiped back to front, BTW - you know, the proper way to do it for a girl).

TO BE CONTINUED