The only time I wasn't there was when I would go to work and go to the gym three times a week. I would stay at the gym until 8:00pm and be home by 8:30pm (let us do the math here...if baby goes to bed at 7:00pm, exactly how many hours per week was he available to "help with the baby as much as he could"?). After Petitioners mother left she became very distraught and easily upset (I had come to the grim realization that I was married not to a man, but to an Asshat). She stressed about everything concerning the baby and contacted her mother about everything because her mothers a nurse and knows everything (My mom is thoroughly tickled that DH would compliment her so kindly on her wisdom, and make it part of a legal document, no less. She really is a wise mom and it is nice to know DH has the sense to publicize it. She was SO flattered, in fact, that she intends to add this praise to her resume).
Petitioner couldn't be separated from the baby to go to the bathroom, she was afraid to leave the baby with me to go to the bathroom at Walmart because she was concerned I would wander away from the baby (I'd say this is a very unusual fear for a new mother. I wonder if I could possibly be a paranoid lunatic...or could there be something else behind this fear? An incompetent father? Let's see...that might be a bit tough to sort out. How WILL the courts decide...) and didn't know what I would do if anyone tried to touch the baby (well, he'd let CHILDREN with unwashed hands and drippy noses touch my low birth weight, RSV season newborn, so why WOULDN'T he let a stranger infected with leprosy or the plague touch DC too? Got to build up an immunity early!). This was unreasonable because she knew that I had raised three (3) children and I have a granddaughter (raising children who would be more suitable additions to a prison community than to society and having a granddaughter born addicted to methamphetamine - whom you've only seen a half dozen times in her two years of life - are EXCELLENT qualifications for parenting). This was the type of interaction that led to our separation she moved to her mothers (shocking...simply SHOCKING!).
4. Petition claims that I have failed to provided adequate support for her and my DD. Since March up until today I have given Petitioner $XXX (he is going to FAINT when he finds out he should have been paying me THREE TIMES as much).
5. Petitioner claims to need spousal support but has the capability to be self supporting and earn enough money to support herself. Prior to marriage, Petitioner was an accountant of some sort (at least we know he took an interest in the specifics of my life). When we got married, Petitioner was going to school to get her teaching credential and was working part time. When Petitioner graduated from college she began working as a substitute teacher.
6. In or about the month of October 2006 (it was October 23, to be exact. But he would have had no way of knowing that, as he was too busy "attending to my needs" to be bothered with the particulars of my preterm labor), Petitioner was put on bed rest by her physician (or was it my dentist?), and in February delivered the baby via C-Section. Petitioner claims that she is not able to work because she is caring for our infant. However, Petitioner nor the baby have any type of existing medical condition where they need to be together at all times. Petitioner did experience complications during pregnancy but is capable of gaining employment and earning a living. Petitioner is currently nursing the baby but she is able to extract her milk (this is a complex and somewhat painful process involving all sorts of farm equipment, heavy machinery, and coal driven furnaces. I realize MOST women prefer to EXPRESS their milk using a breast pump, however, I find this method to be rather boring, really) to supply it to a babysitter or day care facility where the baby can be cared for while she works (and substitute teachers earn just enough after taxes to pay the cost of day care with approximately 32 cents per day left over - not bad for a day's work).
7. Petitioner claims to not be able to get a teaching job because she is no longer substituting but with her college degree she is able to obtain other types of employment (My degree was in Anthropology, specifically Primatology. There is currently a regional shortage of jobs catering to people who can train captive chimpanzees to use tools and and sign the words "asshat" and "deadbeat dad").
8. Petitioner claims that I have a safety deposit box with $150,000, this statement is ridiculous. time (I seem to recall the years of our marriage being very profitable oThere is no money or any other items in this safety deposit box (then where, exactly, is the money? In your freezer? Funny coincidence how the safe deposit box was opened...let's see...two days before you received a ginormous check from your bank that had some resemblance to that amount of money. Or is the safe deposit box where you are keeping your underwear, now that your dresser drawer is full of cash?).
9. The marital standard of living was based entirely on my income simply because PETITIONER DID NOT WANT TO WORK (I am finding SO MANY errors in this document! Proofread! Proofread! Proofread! I'm sure this was intended to say "because Petitioner did not want to work full time as a substitute teacher, work part time for a family member AND get a job at Kohl's Department Store on the weekends, all while trying to finish school." Had I been a little less lazy, I am sure I would have succeeded in being so industrious. As it was, I spent most of my time sitting around on my hindquarters all day, watching soap operas and eating chocolate covered bonbons).
12. Petitioner claims that I have been withdrawing cash from our accounts however we never had a joint bank account. There is substantial amounts in savings that are premarital assets and tracing to support this claim will be provided at a later nes for DH. Can't wait to see his documentation). I did make a withdrawal (A withdrawal?????) and had the money at home in my sock drawer (Um, that would be his panty drawer, but I'm guessing he thought it was more respectable to hide money in his sock drawer). I later discovered in a blog posted by Petitioner that she had come into the home and took $3,000 from my sock drawer and a grocery bag full of quarters. A copy of the blog is being provided to the court as "EXHIBIT C" (upon rereading this blog entry - which I had deleted - I find endless amusement in the fact that it is now part of court record). Petitioner complains that I have cut off all access to community funds but she never had access (Ahhh, he admits to being financially abusive!).
I declare under penalty of perjury under the laws of the State that the foregoing is true and correct (tee hee hee).
Mr. Asshat, Respondent